I Hate Being Alone

"Ever since I started dating back in secondary school, I have never been alone for more then 3 months. And even in that 3 months, I have school friends to fill my time with." I said to my colleague. But I fail to mention as well was that even during that 3 months I wasn't really alone per se. I still got people around me. People as in other potential guys.

I just got out of a relationship a month ago and I had other guys around me since then. Then I was talking to an old friend and she mentioned something that tweaked my brain. She said something in regards to my near never ending string of guys.

So here I am now. Burning bridges to all the guys that are interested. Why am I doing this? Inflicting the very thing that I hate most onto myself? Frankly I don't know why. I just know that I don't want to get hurt anymore nor do I want to hurt anyone unintentionally.

I see the pattern of my relationship life. I get into a relationship. It ends. There begins the string of potentials showing up. One selected. We date casually at first with no promise of forever. Eventually we still ended up being exclusive. There the cycle starts over. I feel like I'm in an never ending rebound relationship since 4 years ago. Usually I'm the dumper (Yes the guilty one) until I became the dumpee and I headed downwards since then.

Strangely I've have never minded being alone previously but after that particular relationship, I realised I don't like being alone at all. I like being with someone. I wanted to and liked sharing my life with someone. As I always said, he was the one that showed me how to love and be loved. But now I'm trying to regress back to who I was prior to that. It seems better. I don't get hurt and I get to chase my dreams with no care who I left behind.

But the loneliness hurts...

The End of an End of a Beginning - 1

All is over. Heart broken. Emotions tore apart. Eyes wet with tears. Effort spent. And the dreaded words said. I guessed I expected it way earlier then it happened but still it caught me by surprise. Wasn't so ready as I expected myself to be. Everything that we have gone through for the past 1 and half years doesn't seem enough to see this through.

I cried. I died. I talked. I hugged. And eventually (faster then I thought), I stood up a little to face the world. With help from friends, I was made realise what my problem was. Why I was so taken and hurt from all this. I was made to wake up and see that I rely on them (not just him) too much for everything in my life. I involve them too much. I was too afraid to face the world alone that I needed someone by my side to guide me and be the beacon of light for me. Hence I fall harder then anyone else when everything ended.

Also someone said to me that maybe, just maybe I don't love him but the idea of having someone in my life. Though I object to that notion but I can't help but to think if it's true since he said that he had in his mind to shaped me into the prefect mould that he has constructed in his mind to be the person he thought me to be though I have nothing but honest on who I am from the beginning.

Now I feel better. I have a better grasp on my emotions that I don't break down and cry easily. Emotions still run around but I have a better idea how to handle them now. I will still get affected by things and memories but I know i can take them and tell myself that it is okay. I will still shed some tears now and then and I won't feel bad or stop them because I'll tell myself that after this, I'll stop and move forward. With that said, I would have to say that if he comes to me to ask if we could start over, I would still give it a thought before answering. I won't say no out of principles nor would I say yes because the idea of having him back. The fact remains that I still do love him very much (aside from what was said by my friend) and that I still think that things could have turned out differently if I did things differently and put in more effort.

I believe that in a relationship that there is always someone who loves the other more and that they are willing to give 150% of effort, pain and sacrifices and still not think that it is an unfair trade. There is no such thing as a fair and equal relationship. Is the people who can make the relationship feel fair and not any 3rd parties outside. And quoting from a friend, "Commitment. Communication. Compromisation. Condonation. Conciliation. The 5Cs that makes a relationship work.", I think it's true too. It takes both hands to clap and it takes both parties to give and take a little.

Week 1 - Peaaceful

First weekend of peace. Good start I guess. Well peaceful enough I think. Only one thing happened but I mange to hold my tongue.

Was heading to a friend's place for board games night but on our way there, found out that the friend was out for dinner. Why it didn't occur to him to either drive back to my place or his to wait since we don't live very far from the friend's place, I don't know. So instead we just drove around around the neighborhood waiting. Then after about an hour or so, still no sign of the friend, I suggested going somewhere to get something sweet (actually was because I was getting tired of sitting in the car and a headache was pounding in my head. And for suggesting such thing, I got snapped at saying that he don't want to and because he just eat. Speechless as I was, I manage to say never mind then. After awhile only he asked what was exactly that I wanted. Just told him never mind. Not going to say much since he already said that he doesn't want to. So decided to take a nap then since he said he wants to continue driving around. I curled up and slept with my back facing him. At a traffic light he asked what wrong with me in an irritated way. So just said that since he wanted to drive about, I'm going to take a nap. And thats that. He continued driving about while I slept until the friend was home. Not very sure how long thats was, but was having a slightly pounding going on when we arrived.

So I mange not to say anything that might start a fight. Yay. But it hurts nonetheless. Pathetic. Made my choice though.

Keeping promises

Just occur to me yesterday that I'm working hard to keep to my promises made but however the other end is not keeping to it because he can't. It's just typical I guess for a guy to break promises whenever they want. I have enough faith for both of us that we can do this. People can adapt but only if they want to. And I want to, so I keep to my end.

You're just to selfish. You say that you're free-spirited and that you can be impulsive. Well I just say that is an bullshit excuse to disrespect someone, not bothered by their feelings, do your own thing and then come back later to blame us for demanding too much. Maybe you just like being single again. Having the feeling that you can go out and flirt all the other girls around. Or maybe you just want to impress that one person to show that you may not be attached after all and that you maybe interested. I say ego and pride speaking.

You Would Think That.....

After arguing for like nearly a month and ending in a (I hope) profound discussion that we could have things moving smoothly again. Instead now I have a very cold, distant and detached boyfriend that I'm not even sure if he is mine anymore.

He says he is trying not to upset me in anyway and at the same time try to be more thoughtful. However, this in turn has made him very unaffectionate at all. He doesn't do the things he used to do anymore. He doesn't bother holding my hand anymore when we walk together and when I kissed to say good-bye, it just feel really awkward and weird.

And he seems more at ease talking to her than me. We used to talk so much. Share so much. Now we hardly talk at all. Maybe she would be better for him. Maybe what he needs is someone who doesn't need his attention and affection. Someone independent.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel angry because I think I'm all out of anger. All I'm left is uncertainty and disappointment. I'm just so tired right now.

*ponder*

Hmmm...

Boyfriend rather go have (expensive) lunch instead of coming looking for his sick girlfriend who went down first to get lunch because he was busy (apparently) with work (-1point). So instead of calling his girlfriend to ask where is she eating so that he can come over (-1point), he just called to say he is eating in McD and asked if I wanted the promotional cup (1point).

Total : -1point

Yes, I'm quite diappointed in this situation. But what can I do, apparently I must fight for my boyfriend's affections with someone who isn't even a family member. Sad.

Violence Tendency

Have you ever wanted to punch someone in the face just because you hated their stupid face? I have and in fact at this very moment I wish I could be punching that person's face in just because. Yes I have issues with my violent imaginations.

I think I have always been this 'imaginative' because as far as I remember I have violent thoughts towards people that I'm either angry at or just because. The most vivid imagination I had last time when I was quite young, was that I would take a chopper knife to someone head. Of course that never happen, it was all in my imagination. But occasionally I had wished that I can act on my tendency. Not the chopping people part, but the milder version of bashing their face in that only plastic surgery would be required. Unfortunately I realize that my imagination right is not so good. What's left is the tendency and urge to do it. But I must say my control is super that I have never acted on it still.

Ah well, I don't think I'll ever act on it. I'll content myself to try to get a more vivid imagination on how I can bash the b****'s face in when I see her everyday.

It's just me...

Meh, just want to rant since I can't actually rant to anyone right now.

I just thought that with all the argument and drama and shit that have been happening for the past 2-3 weeks, we could spend the weekend together. Plus this is the one week deadline. And especially so since I found out that my class was cancelled this week for reasons unknown to me. But... sigh ... he decided to work instead and could only manage to meet for lunch. And in case I forgot to mention which day this is, it's a Sunday. A day where there is suppose to be no work.

Sigh... just my luck. First I have to deal with a guy who can't differentiate between a guy friend and girl friend. Now I get the alternate version. The workaholic. Shit.

Jealousy...

is a sucky and damaging emotion to have. It eats into your confidence and it makes you feel like crap even when you know you shouldn't be feeling that that.

I have never thought as myself as a jealous girlfriend or anything. In fact I was quite proud that I could have that level of trust with someone to not feel an ounce of jealousy. Unfortunately for me, I realize that these recent years events have turned me into a slight paranoid and insecure person when it comes to a boy-girl relationships.

So now I have a situation where I'm working in the same office with my boyfriend and recently my boss hired this new girl who was recommended by my boyfriend to join. So naturally I put them to be seated together because she needs to learn since my boyfriend is her friend and also the right person to learn from. Which now landed me in the situation that I see them together all the time. Laughing and talking all the time. Which pretty much make me feel even more insecure. Oh did I mention that they know each other way longer then I know my boyfriend.

In recent event, the new girl was out with other colleagues for lunch and apparently she couldn't fit in with the others so she texted my boyfriend to go accompany. My boyfriend asked if I wanted anything and he himself suggested to get me something. Was busy with some stuff and before I could decided on anything (which actually I wanted something else), he *poof* and disappeared. So I thought alright he'll get me something anyway. He came back and I noticed he did not get anything. What the hell. So what am I suppose to think. The girl called and up he went to her rescue straight away. Never waited for my answer and he just left. Then why the hell ask me in the first bloody place. So pointless.

Maybe I should just quit my job here and save my sanity before it's too late.

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Note: I'm just looking for a place to vent because clearly I'm unhappy and my boyfriend is not doing anything to help me along. Saying that he loves me only and that nothing is up with that girl is so not comforting at all.
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I Hate Losing.....

.... especially when I'm losing because I was playing with a completely new team because my team just 'love' to mix in random people in the cafe for versus fight. Am not totally against asking random people to play since it's nice to change the playing ground once in a while. But I'm freaking pissed when the team distribution goes unfair (or at least to my view it's unfair). We have 4 and they (the random people) have 2, so it would be a 3 on 3. Fair enough. So I suggested that 3 on the left, one team and 3 on my side make one team. It would be 2 (own team)+1(stranger). Then stupid genius that one of my teammate is, said let the game choose randomly the teams. So fine.

Lets see how random the game will distribute the people. Nicely the comp throws me in with this other 2 stranger. RAN-FREAKING-DOM. What do you know, my own teammates who are much better in the game then me are all together, leaving me alone with 2 total strangers that I HAVE NEVER PLAY WITH BEFORE and they nicely JUST DON'T CARE even after they totally thrashed us at the freaking start of the game. Now how is that freaking fair? And then the second level start, again the computer do the random distribution again and one of my friends joined my team. Oh cools, someone I know their gameplay. Should be fair now right? DEAD FREAKING WRONG. The guy just switches back to the original team leaving me alone YET A-FREAKING-GAIN with these 2 new people. And that does it. I was fuming like hell. The betrayal. I really felt so bloody betrayed by this. Even more so when it's your teammates that have been playing with you for so freaking long.

If this is a hint that you don't want me to play in your team again, then I freaking well get it. Your could just bloody tell me straight. Don't have to go through all this. I'm still pissed. And I'm pretty sure I won't be any less pissed when I wake up tomorrow because one thing I hate most is unfair gameplay. Losing I can handle when I think it's fair. I'll just blame it on my sucky skills in the game. But when I lose because any unfair reasons, I'll be fuming for the next 2 days or so.

'AGE-FUK-U' - An Anal Restaurant in Taipan USJ

I got to bitch about this. I can't take it. I have never been to such an inflexible restaurant with such twisted policies. A restaurant who is OKAY with you WASTING their food but NOT OKAY with you picking at your friend's food because their policy say so.

Went to this restaurant called AGEFUKU in Taipan USJ. Decided to try this restaurant since we were 'hunting' for Japanese food and it was conveniently near to home. First impression of the restaurant, EMPTY, save for one occupy table at the 'fast food' section downstairs. So we proceed upstairs to the 'fine dining' section. Not surprising, also empty with no customers except for one uncleared table. So we were seated near the window and ordered our food. I decided to take the Cha Soba and my friend decided to order the 'TEMPURA PROMOTION' which is 'ALL YOU CAN EAT'. So there was a clause that says 'Any sharing will be charged accordingly'.Fair enough. Policy like this should be placed to avoid people ordering one pax but shared by two people.

So anyway, our order arrived and we proceeded in chomping down on our food. So I finished mine and I started picking at my friend's tempura. He didn't eat squid so I ate his half eaten one and I 'stolen' one piece of eggplant and shitake mushroom. As I was bitting into the eggplant, the waitress suddenly appear at our table to POINT out to us that we will be charged for sharing the tempura because the policy says so. I was shocked for a moment because I would never have thought that a restaurant would follow their policy to such a point. It's not that I didn't order anything to eat and just leeching off my friend's tempura. I ordered something. My friend tried telling the waitress that I ordered something to eat already and that I'm just taking one or two pieces. She still insist on the policy. So fine. My friend just told her that we'll stop ordering now and that's that. We're not going to 'steal' their food anymore.

No wonder the place is empty at dinner time.

I'm surprise and still shock actually. Remember I mentioned an uncleared table when we got there? We actually noticed that there was five to six pieces of tempura prawn left UNEATEN. So clearly this restaurant rather you waste their food then see you share your food if you can't finish it. No wonder there were tempura prawn leftover on the table. They weren't allow to share when they can' finish it. So when they say 'All You Can Eat', they literally meant that all ONLY YOU can eat and not anyone at the table with you although you can't finish the food.

So enough said. That would the first and last time I will be patronising that restaurant. I would suggest that if you crave Japanese food and don't want to go to places like Sakae Sushi or Sushi Zenmai, then go to SUSHITOMO in SS2 (near Wong Kok Char Chan Teng). Pricing wise much cheaper and taste wise (I personally think so) also better as compare to AGE-FUK-U restaurant.

Clearly, AGE will FUK U when you try to 'steal' their food.

Colleagues Whom I Like To Shoot At

Right. We all pretty much have colleagues all around and all the time... well, that is if you are working and not bumming around at home. Some colleagues are great and some are so-so. And at MOST times you have shit head colleagues whom you would love to pump a whole load of shotgun in their face. What irks me the most are colleagues who refuses to acknowledge responsibility, 'tai-chi' around his own responsibilities to others and THEN moan and cry that he has more workload and responsibilities then the others in the office. Gawd.... Where's the shotgun? *rummaging around*

Not that I'm saying they have no work at all and don't do their share of work. But can they not be a little more responsible? A simple question of when can we do this will somehow give me an answer of why don't you ask so and so to do this first and we take things one step at a time. This in my interpretation means why don't you ask this scapegoat to do this for you first and when you're done, ask me again and I'll see if I'm bothered enough from my 'gigantic' load of work to do this for you. My question was simple. When can we do this? Give me a day and time. I'm not asking to do it now now now. I'm giving him a choice. On his terms since I know how 'royally' busy he is with his mountain high workload.

I hate dragging things. When I decide to do something I rather just do it and finish it instead of dragging it to days and then will eventually weeks/months. I'm a procrastinator. I know about dragging. If this is my own things I don't care if it drags to when hell freezes over. But when it come to work. Lets just do it and be done with it and I'll get off your back. Why can't people just understand that concept?

Now where the heck did I leave my shotgun? *more rummaging around*

Curse of The Wrong Number

Recently I have been receiving calls from young women to aunties and even men asking me if I'm Karen and if I offer beautician services. That said, my name is not Karen nor do I specialise in beautician services. I'm just a simple multi-tasks executive in an extremely small company.

So anyhow, I have been paitiently answering all this calls from unknown numbers (and by unknown I meant numbers not saved in my phonebook) just in case they are someone I know that are calling me. And many times I have been greeted by people saying "Karen ar?". So I'll just sigh and say "Sorry. You got the wrong number.". And most of the times they will be embarrassed and said sorry before cutting the line. And there are times where the caller will insist that I'm Karen and trying to 'convince' me that I'm Karen. Here's how it goes.

Male Caller : Hello, Karen ar?
Me : Ah... No, sorry you got the wrong number.
Male Caller : Har? Wrong number ar?
Me : Yes. Wrong number.
Male Caller : What? Aren't you Karen?
Me : No I'm not.
Male Caller : How come? I call this number.
Me : Yup, I'm pretty sure I'm not Karen tho many have been calling MY number asking for Karen. But no. I'm not her.
Male Caller : Ah...... ok. Sorry. *click*

Also there are times where ridiculas aunty who thinks I'm just pulling her leg and don't want her business.
(Mind you this happened on a day I wasn't feeling well and wasn't in the best of mood.)

Aunty : Hello, Karen? (She was actually speaking in Hokkien)
Me : No, wrong number.
Aunty : Har? Okay. *click*

She calls back a few moments later when I was out to the washroom (I saw the missed call) and calls AGAIN when I came back.

Aunty : Hello, Karen? (This time in Cantonese)
Me : No. Wrong number.
Aunty : What wrong number? How can? Her number on the card says it's this number.
Me : *snap* How I know? The number on the card wrong, what does that got to do with me? *click*

Sigh... I'm pretty sure I'll feel guilty for doing that later but what the heck man. But I said wrong number and she refuses to believe me, what can I do? I hope no more aunties will be calling and 'accusing' me of withholding information from her.

First Impression

I was thought by my mom that first impression is the most important thing when you meet with someone the very first time. You don't want to screw that up. So I went on with my life with that note of 'wisdom' instilled into my mind. May it be my dressing (well especially my dressing), my attitude or my behaviour, I always try my best to make a good first impression on whoever I'm meeting with. This, sad (happy?) to say that I too hold a greast importance on impression I have on people that I meet.

If you're an a**hole or a b**tard, by reputation or by my own observation, I'll dislike (hate?) you at sight. And pretty much nothing you can do down the line that will make me change my mind. Don't get me wrong, even if I have a good impression of you, that don't mean that I won't dislike you next time when you screw up. Just that the benefits is that I'll be less hostile and be civil and not think violent thoughts that I wish it upon you. Of course am not saying the first offender doesn't get a chance, just that you have to make a bigger impression to me that shows me that you're not the a**hole that I thought you were the first time.

But I have never met anyone who I can dislike even after I gave him a benefit of doubt. He, I would categorise as "Royally F**ked Up His First Impression" when I first got to know him. by being the sore loser and worse, a know-it-all. Then of course followed by being an insensitive idiot and a busybody. Enough said, he screws up every possible chance I reserves.

But but but, he's a colleague and a friend of a friend, hence I got to play nice. I try to be civil and all that. But I find it really hard. I admit I dislike the guy. And once someone manage to get into my nerve (and I must say, it's kinda hard to do), I find it hard to find a good point in the person and live with it. Natural instinct will tell me to attack and find his weak points. Once found, I go for the kill. So I don't like it when he's around like hanging out or having lunch with. He's a colleague, I can't chase him away even if I want to. Also, he will just follow even if I don't invite, so I can't escape. Sigh... What am I going to do? I may just resolve in stay in office to eat by myself occasionally or just plain ignoring him which I'm quite good at when he is around.

P/S: I am trying to like/tolerate the guy even though I don't like it. Sigh.. tis very hard...

Useless Boyfriend - Part 1

Okay don't take it the wrong way or idea. I'm not saying that all boyfriends are ATMs (tho some of us wouldn't mid if we do have one =P). So anyway, I believe that as a partner, regardless of it is a girl or a guy, eventually that said person would have be financially supportive to the other. If I can't rely on my boyfriend to be there for me when I need help, be it financially or emotionally, he should be there for me as I would be there for him.

So here's the deal. I was truly disgusted by someone I know. His girlfriend call another friend of mind to ask if she could borrow some cash to get a new mobile as her old one was thrashed. So yea my friend said okay but asked why is she asking him for money when her boyfriend is clearly standing next to her (she was using his phone) and he is not poor either. So off they went in an argument where she was trying to defend her 'noble' boyfriend while my friend was pissed at the guy. Eventually the truth came out when she said that she was reluctant to ask from her own boyfriend because she was afraid that he will reject her request to BORROW some cash to get her mobile. She was afraid that he would reject her or ...*gasp*... reluctantly borrow her the money because he feels OBLIGATED to borrow the money to her. What kind of boyfriend is this? She is not even demanding that he buy the phone for her. It would be a loan. And he is not even poor or unemployed (I know he isn't because he works in the same place with me and he is not getting an undercut pay either).

I was really speechless when I heard that. She rather ask from a friend then turn to her boyfriend for help. And that boyfriend is thick skinned enough to let her ask from her friends and not even bothered to offer to help. So yea I mighty disgusted by the fact that I know someone as immature as this guy.

**UPDATE**

Today I was told that there was new revelation over this matter. It seems that he (the useless bastard aka the man-child aka the boyfriend) did hear what my friend said to the girlfriend on the phone. And after she ended the call with my friend (and presumably she went her own way after that), the useless arse calls to tell her that He. Will. Lend. Her. RM100 only. My jaw drop all the way to the floor when I heard that. And mind you my friend was willing to lend her RM400 at that moment. So anyway, she asked him why is he borrowing her the money now and he said this. "You can't expect me to stand there and listen to my girlfriend asking money from someone else". Humph he could have offered earlier and save all this . But still RM100 only? When what she needed and was asking for is RM400. How cheap could you be man?

Oh and so eventually she asked him is he just doing this because he wants to save face and avoid embarrassment . And guess what he said? "So what if I am?". Well he should have thought better then. Before all this commotions. And still RM100 ONLY?

I can't wrap my head around it. If you want to be some one's SIGNIFICANT OTHER then take up the responsibility and suck it up. Don't give excuses. If you want to remain as an arse and immature then don't go dragging someone else into your life and make their life miserable. Enuf said.

**UPDATE** (16/03/09)

Apparently he is not just an a**hole, he is also still a child at the age of 24 years old because he has no control on his own financials. Strangely enough there are people like this in this world. I have never met one till now. Grow a spine please.

Anger Management.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MUST CONTROL...... Kill....killl.....killll...... must control..........

'Whatever'

Whatever. How I hate this word. I admit I use this word as well. Guilty as charge. But I don't think I misuse it as some whom I have the unfortunate to converse with. I actually find it quite rude when this word is freely thrown around like a used blow-up doll. I truly do hate this word. I think only because I know someone who use this word whenever he is unhappy and/or uninterested on a particular topic and/or person. He will just brush it off by saying "Whatever" or "Whatever lah" or "Okay. Whatever."

Bloody b*****d. Would it kill you to be freaking civil a bit to even show some respect to the person talking as well as whatever/whoever she is talking about? Stop being a bloody freaking b***h and deal with it. You got issues with anything then spill it out but at least try to be civilise. Damnit. You know what I'm talking about.

Yes, my extreme minuscule readers. I am in a b***hy mood. Nuf said.