Week 1 - Peaaceful

First weekend of peace. Good start I guess. Well peaceful enough I think. Only one thing happened but I mange to hold my tongue.

Was heading to a friend's place for board games night but on our way there, found out that the friend was out for dinner. Why it didn't occur to him to either drive back to my place or his to wait since we don't live very far from the friend's place, I don't know. So instead we just drove around around the neighborhood waiting. Then after about an hour or so, still no sign of the friend, I suggested going somewhere to get something sweet (actually was because I was getting tired of sitting in the car and a headache was pounding in my head. And for suggesting such thing, I got snapped at saying that he don't want to and because he just eat. Speechless as I was, I manage to say never mind then. After awhile only he asked what was exactly that I wanted. Just told him never mind. Not going to say much since he already said that he doesn't want to. So decided to take a nap then since he said he wants to continue driving around. I curled up and slept with my back facing him. At a traffic light he asked what wrong with me in an irritated way. So just said that since he wanted to drive about, I'm going to take a nap. And thats that. He continued driving about while I slept until the friend was home. Not very sure how long thats was, but was having a slightly pounding going on when we arrived.

So I mange not to say anything that might start a fight. Yay. But it hurts nonetheless. Pathetic. Made my choice though.

Keeping promises

Just occur to me yesterday that I'm working hard to keep to my promises made but however the other end is not keeping to it because he can't. It's just typical I guess for a guy to break promises whenever they want. I have enough faith for both of us that we can do this. People can adapt but only if they want to. And I want to, so I keep to my end.

You're just to selfish. You say that you're free-spirited and that you can be impulsive. Well I just say that is an bullshit excuse to disrespect someone, not bothered by their feelings, do your own thing and then come back later to blame us for demanding too much. Maybe you just like being single again. Having the feeling that you can go out and flirt all the other girls around. Or maybe you just want to impress that one person to show that you may not be attached after all and that you maybe interested. I say ego and pride speaking.

You Would Think That.....

After arguing for like nearly a month and ending in a (I hope) profound discussion that we could have things moving smoothly again. Instead now I have a very cold, distant and detached boyfriend that I'm not even sure if he is mine anymore.

He says he is trying not to upset me in anyway and at the same time try to be more thoughtful. However, this in turn has made him very unaffectionate at all. He doesn't do the things he used to do anymore. He doesn't bother holding my hand anymore when we walk together and when I kissed to say good-bye, it just feel really awkward and weird.

And he seems more at ease talking to her than me. We used to talk so much. Share so much. Now we hardly talk at all. Maybe she would be better for him. Maybe what he needs is someone who doesn't need his attention and affection. Someone independent.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel angry because I think I'm all out of anger. All I'm left is uncertainty and disappointment. I'm just so tired right now.

*ponder*

Hmmm...

Boyfriend rather go have (expensive) lunch instead of coming looking for his sick girlfriend who went down first to get lunch because he was busy (apparently) with work (-1point). So instead of calling his girlfriend to ask where is she eating so that he can come over (-1point), he just called to say he is eating in McD and asked if I wanted the promotional cup (1point).

Total : -1point

Yes, I'm quite diappointed in this situation. But what can I do, apparently I must fight for my boyfriend's affections with someone who isn't even a family member. Sad.

Violence Tendency

Have you ever wanted to punch someone in the face just because you hated their stupid face? I have and in fact at this very moment I wish I could be punching that person's face in just because. Yes I have issues with my violent imaginations.

I think I have always been this 'imaginative' because as far as I remember I have violent thoughts towards people that I'm either angry at or just because. The most vivid imagination I had last time when I was quite young, was that I would take a chopper knife to someone head. Of course that never happen, it was all in my imagination. But occasionally I had wished that I can act on my tendency. Not the chopping people part, but the milder version of bashing their face in that only plastic surgery would be required. Unfortunately I realize that my imagination right is not so good. What's left is the tendency and urge to do it. But I must say my control is super that I have never acted on it still.

Ah well, I don't think I'll ever act on it. I'll content myself to try to get a more vivid imagination on how I can bash the b****'s face in when I see her everyday.

It's just me...

Meh, just want to rant since I can't actually rant to anyone right now.

I just thought that with all the argument and drama and shit that have been happening for the past 2-3 weeks, we could spend the weekend together. Plus this is the one week deadline. And especially so since I found out that my class was cancelled this week for reasons unknown to me. But... sigh ... he decided to work instead and could only manage to meet for lunch. And in case I forgot to mention which day this is, it's a Sunday. A day where there is suppose to be no work.

Sigh... just my luck. First I have to deal with a guy who can't differentiate between a guy friend and girl friend. Now I get the alternate version. The workaholic. Shit.