How?

How do you return the love someone has for you if you feel that you have no such feelings left in your heart anymore? Your heart have been broken into pieces in the past and can not put all the pieces back together. You don't believe that you can or even deserve this feeling called love and you think you're incapable to feel this feeling at all or anymore. Do you have it in the first place? You used to think love is just plain crap and now you still think that too. You used to think that you were madly deeply in love with that special someone and that love can conquer all but somehow that special someone manage to break all fantasy that you may have. You used to think with love everything will be okay and that your flaws will be accepted as how you accepted their flaws but only to realise that was all your figments of your imaginations. How do you go on with life when the pain is healed but the wound never really closed? How do you make yourself happy again? How do you regain your self-confidence to stand up on your own again? So how do you get on with life with an open heart willing to accept someone else without the fear that the same thing will happen to you again because life just loves screwing with you? How?

I don't know.

Forgiveness

It's strange that people think that by saying 'I'm sorry' everything will just be alright. I don't agree with that at all. I guess it's alright when you bump into someone and said I'm sorry. But lets just put this into a scenario where that person (hereby known as 'the offender') has been saying sorry to you for everything and anything that the offender does wrong. Flaws are forgivable at times and I know since people don't change, flaws usually follows them. But what if it's something that have been going on again and again that the offender have been doing, do you just sweep it under the carpet over and over again when the offender says "I'm sorry"? I'm sure everyone have a certain level of tolerance that he or she can absorb (I won't even use the word 'handle' since by accepting apology is more like absorbing the hurt and mistake that the offender did). Like a sponge there is a level when it can not absorb anymore, what then? You blow over. You get pissy and angry. Then when anger erupts, argument ensue. And then? You either resolve or you don't. If you choose not to give up your stand and not resolve, what then? Argue on? Hmmm....

That Special Feeling

Okay, I'm going to bare all and be whinny here for this post. Why? Because I feel like it. That's why.

You know That Special Feeling? The feeling that leaves you all tingling and nice with no cares for the world but the only thing that matters at that moment is you and your significant other.

The special feeling that make you feel cherished by another is hard to duplicate by someone else. I know I'm being anal in this sense but I can't help to compare any potential guys around me to my ex. Somehow no one compares to him. The way he always give me his first bite whenever we're out together regardless if I have food of my own or not. The way he never fails to make me feel really loved, cherished and just plain special whenever we're together. None have compared so far. All they even make me feel is the longing feeling for my ex. Maybe I' just bias against them. And maybe I'm just clouded. (And you know what, I think so too but I don't know how to overcome this)

Yea yea I know this is silly and I shouldn't be even be thinking about it. It's just that he was prefect then and I always thought we were prefect together. That we will be together always and nothing can tear us apart. Boy, I was dead wrong about that. The break up brought many things to my attention. Yes, I'm temperamental at times. Yes, I can be bossy and bitchy at times. But I always thought we could be honest with each other that anything wrong that he is unhappy about, he would just tell me. I know I would be upset but eventually I will see his point seeing that it is the truth. But at last he took the easy way I guess by breaking up with me.

And that left me in pieces. Pieces that I don't think I can ever whole again. I still cry when I'm alone for no reason at all. The tears just comes and goes although I can barely remember our memories together (I suspect is my brain suppressor is kicking in and blocking all the memories). I get upset with life and everything. I am weak. No one that knows me will believe that but I am. I was weak before but now I'm just useless. I go about life now trying to figure what to do with it because I am never myself again after that. Yes, I admit. I'm not over him yet. He still lives in my heart even after this long. I don't know how to get rid of him. It haunts me everywhere I go.