"Ever since I started dating back in secondary school, I have never been alone for more then 3 months. And even in that 3 months, I have school friends to fill my time with." I said to my colleague. But I fail to mention as well was that even during that 3 months I wasn't really alone per se. I still got people around me. People as in other potential guys.
I just got out of a relationship a month ago and I had other guys around me since then. Then I was talking to an old friend and she mentioned something that tweaked my brain. She said something in regards to my near never ending string of guys.
So here I am now. Burning bridges to all the guys that are interested. Why am I doing this? Inflicting the very thing that I hate most onto myself? Frankly I don't know why. I just know that I don't want to get hurt anymore nor do I want to hurt anyone unintentionally.
I see the pattern of my relationship life. I get into a relationship. It ends. There begins the string of potentials showing up. One selected. We date casually at first with no promise of forever. Eventually we still ended up being exclusive. There the cycle starts over. I feel like I'm in an never ending rebound relationship since 4 years ago. Usually I'm the dumper (Yes the guilty one) until I became the dumpee and I headed downwards since then.
Strangely I've have never minded being alone previously but after that particular relationship, I realised I don't like being alone at all. I like being with someone. I wanted to and liked sharing my life with someone. As I always said, he was the one that showed me how to love and be loved. But now I'm trying to regress back to who I was prior to that. It seems better. I don't get hurt and I get to chase my dreams with no care who I left behind.
But the loneliness hurts...
Monday, December 21, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
The End of an End of a Beginning - 1
All is over. Heart broken. Emotions tore apart. Eyes wet with tears. Effort spent. And the dreaded words said. I guessed I expected it way earlier then it happened but still it caught me by surprise. Wasn't so ready as I expected myself to be. Everything that we have gone through for the past 1 and half years doesn't seem enough to see this through.
I cried. I died. I talked. I hugged. And eventually (faster then I thought), I stood up a little to face the world. With help from friends, I was made realise what my problem was. Why I was so taken and hurt from all this. I was made to wake up and see that I rely on them (not just him) too much for everything in my life. I involve them too much. I was too afraid to face the world alone that I needed someone by my side to guide me and be the beacon of light for me. Hence I fall harder then anyone else when everything ended.
Also someone said to me that maybe, just maybe I don't love him but the idea of having someone in my life. Though I object to that notion but I can't help but to think if it's true since he said that he had in his mind to shaped me into the prefect mould that he has constructed in his mind to be the person he thought me to be though I have nothing but honest on who I am from the beginning.
Now I feel better. I have a better grasp on my emotions that I don't break down and cry easily. Emotions still run around but I have a better idea how to handle them now. I will still get affected by things and memories but I know i can take them and tell myself that it is okay. I will still shed some tears now and then and I won't feel bad or stop them because I'll tell myself that after this, I'll stop and move forward. With that said, I would have to say that if he comes to me to ask if we could start over, I would still give it a thought before answering. I won't say no out of principles nor would I say yes because the idea of having him back. The fact remains that I still do love him very much (aside from what was said by my friend) and that I still think that things could have turned out differently if I did things differently and put in more effort.
I believe that in a relationship that there is always someone who loves the other more and that they are willing to give 150% of effort, pain and sacrifices and still not think that it is an unfair trade. There is no such thing as a fair and equal relationship. Is the people who can make the relationship feel fair and not any 3rd parties outside. And quoting from a friend, "Commitment. Communication. Compromisation. Condonation. Conciliation. The 5Cs that makes a relationship work.", I think it's true too. It takes both hands to clap and it takes both parties to give and take a little.
I cried. I died. I talked. I hugged. And eventually (faster then I thought), I stood up a little to face the world. With help from friends, I was made realise what my problem was. Why I was so taken and hurt from all this. I was made to wake up and see that I rely on them (not just him) too much for everything in my life. I involve them too much. I was too afraid to face the world alone that I needed someone by my side to guide me and be the beacon of light for me. Hence I fall harder then anyone else when everything ended.
Also someone said to me that maybe, just maybe I don't love him but the idea of having someone in my life. Though I object to that notion but I can't help but to think if it's true since he said that he had in his mind to shaped me into the prefect mould that he has constructed in his mind to be the person he thought me to be though I have nothing but honest on who I am from the beginning.
Now I feel better. I have a better grasp on my emotions that I don't break down and cry easily. Emotions still run around but I have a better idea how to handle them now. I will still get affected by things and memories but I know i can take them and tell myself that it is okay. I will still shed some tears now and then and I won't feel bad or stop them because I'll tell myself that after this, I'll stop and move forward. With that said, I would have to say that if he comes to me to ask if we could start over, I would still give it a thought before answering. I won't say no out of principles nor would I say yes because the idea of having him back. The fact remains that I still do love him very much (aside from what was said by my friend) and that I still think that things could have turned out differently if I did things differently and put in more effort.
I believe that in a relationship that there is always someone who loves the other more and that they are willing to give 150% of effort, pain and sacrifices and still not think that it is an unfair trade. There is no such thing as a fair and equal relationship. Is the people who can make the relationship feel fair and not any 3rd parties outside. And quoting from a friend, "Commitment. Communication. Compromisation. Condonation. Conciliation. The 5Cs that makes a relationship work.", I think it's true too. It takes both hands to clap and it takes both parties to give and take a little.
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