I Hate Being Alone

"Ever since I started dating back in secondary school, I have never been alone for more then 3 months. And even in that 3 months, I have school friends to fill my time with." I said to my colleague. But I fail to mention as well was that even during that 3 months I wasn't really alone per se. I still got people around me. People as in other potential guys.

I just got out of a relationship a month ago and I had other guys around me since then. Then I was talking to an old friend and she mentioned something that tweaked my brain. She said something in regards to my near never ending string of guys.

So here I am now. Burning bridges to all the guys that are interested. Why am I doing this? Inflicting the very thing that I hate most onto myself? Frankly I don't know why. I just know that I don't want to get hurt anymore nor do I want to hurt anyone unintentionally.

I see the pattern of my relationship life. I get into a relationship. It ends. There begins the string of potentials showing up. One selected. We date casually at first with no promise of forever. Eventually we still ended up being exclusive. There the cycle starts over. I feel like I'm in an never ending rebound relationship since 4 years ago. Usually I'm the dumper (Yes the guilty one) until I became the dumpee and I headed downwards since then.

Strangely I've have never minded being alone previously but after that particular relationship, I realised I don't like being alone at all. I like being with someone. I wanted to and liked sharing my life with someone. As I always said, he was the one that showed me how to love and be loved. But now I'm trying to regress back to who I was prior to that. It seems better. I don't get hurt and I get to chase my dreams with no care who I left behind.

But the loneliness hurts...