The End of an End of a Beginning - 1

All is over. Heart broken. Emotions tore apart. Eyes wet with tears. Effort spent. And the dreaded words said. I guessed I expected it way earlier then it happened but still it caught me by surprise. Wasn't so ready as I expected myself to be. Everything that we have gone through for the past 1 and half years doesn't seem enough to see this through.

I cried. I died. I talked. I hugged. And eventually (faster then I thought), I stood up a little to face the world. With help from friends, I was made realise what my problem was. Why I was so taken and hurt from all this. I was made to wake up and see that I rely on them (not just him) too much for everything in my life. I involve them too much. I was too afraid to face the world alone that I needed someone by my side to guide me and be the beacon of light for me. Hence I fall harder then anyone else when everything ended.

Also someone said to me that maybe, just maybe I don't love him but the idea of having someone in my life. Though I object to that notion but I can't help but to think if it's true since he said that he had in his mind to shaped me into the prefect mould that he has constructed in his mind to be the person he thought me to be though I have nothing but honest on who I am from the beginning.

Now I feel better. I have a better grasp on my emotions that I don't break down and cry easily. Emotions still run around but I have a better idea how to handle them now. I will still get affected by things and memories but I know i can take them and tell myself that it is okay. I will still shed some tears now and then and I won't feel bad or stop them because I'll tell myself that after this, I'll stop and move forward. With that said, I would have to say that if he comes to me to ask if we could start over, I would still give it a thought before answering. I won't say no out of principles nor would I say yes because the idea of having him back. The fact remains that I still do love him very much (aside from what was said by my friend) and that I still think that things could have turned out differently if I did things differently and put in more effort.

I believe that in a relationship that there is always someone who loves the other more and that they are willing to give 150% of effort, pain and sacrifices and still not think that it is an unfair trade. There is no such thing as a fair and equal relationship. Is the people who can make the relationship feel fair and not any 3rd parties outside. And quoting from a friend, "Commitment. Communication. Compromisation. Condonation. Conciliation. The 5Cs that makes a relationship work.", I think it's true too. It takes both hands to clap and it takes both parties to give and take a little.